A couple of days I asked my mom if she felt if my sister was an only child. To understand this i must tell you first that me and my sister share a 15 year age difference. For starters she is 5 and i am 20. Most of my childhood was just me and then for the past two years I have not really lived at home so my sister has had my mothers full and undivided attention. WHen I asked her this question I expected her to say that yes she was an only child in reality. I frequently ask questions when I know the ans. I do not know exactly why i do this maybe reassurance. Just a personality trait I guess I just need to trust the world more not have to ALWAYS know what the heck is going on and not always need to have a feeling or emotion confirmed. IN the end my mother said NO that she did not think she was an only child b.c she had an big brother to look up to. I must run but I will talk more on this in my next post. PEACE!

Listening to her music was chilling. Uncomfortable to venture out of my blanket of security. Music is personal. Each song of my library steeped in a memory. A love affair, experience, trip, a life changing moment. Her music is steeped with such meanings they must mean something to her Hearing the words seeming to give me a larger glimpse into her soul. As I figure out bit by bit who she is, this is the largest portion. I know as the music flows through my headphones that I may very well dream of her again a thought unsettling yet soothing at the same time for I know it will be a great sleep. I will smile. Laughs and giggles will fill the room and a smile will be painted upon my sleeping face. All will lead to me waking to the light coming over the hills. The thought as I awake will come "has she called, texted, sent an email, left a voice mail.... its past 10 on the east coast maybe something is awaiting you on that phone of yours a 'missed call' her name under unread messages" I will be crushed spending the few minutes before the bundles of joy that keep me so occupied all day awake getting my morale up. The kids who are my job keep my mind off of her. keep me from thinking of the 3,500 miles that separate us. The unspoken words and the things we have not done. The places I want to go with her. The things I want to show her. The true self I want to expose to her unfiltered by cell towers or the hum of my computers hard drive. She comes to me in thoughts throughout my day as I drive down the freeway but it gets bad when I am sitting in traffic. But I write this listening to her music. Enjoying it. Hearing the words. Scared to like it but I do. Similar to my fear of further loving her, only to wake up to nothing maybe next morning.

This morning I woke up to nothing new. Since I am on the west coast three hours behind most people I know sometimes I awake to a great text message, or a voice mail. But nothing. Just an emails saying what bills are due etc. The thought of it disappoints me. Why isnt there any forward motion in my life right now. I can only dream of such motion. Part of it has to do with me just having faith. Faith that things will change. Most of it isnt even about change, but just knowing. I know what the truth is if I look deep enough within myself. I know what is needed and I must wait for that moment to come which it will in due time. I need to look at my other post in which i say I need to be patient and wait for it. Wait for that kiss i guess. Ive got to just go on with life knowing that every step forward is part of me achieving that greater thing. The important part is not to expect things from your day and yourself but to simply have things happen based on your actions which if they are of kindness and love should be good.

Last night I had a dream. It was of a kiss. There is the approach in which you dont assume you are really going to kiss them your mind is going "are you going to kiss" You catch details like a glimmer of light in her eyes. My lips just gracefully touched hers, followed by her acknowledgment of keeping her lips on mine. As we kissed I felt released. Her kiss affirmation of the love I have been seeking for so many months. A sigh of relief came over me the kiss perfect. It was liberating. The kiss the least bit sexual but heart relieving, stress freeing, and conforming. The kind of comfort that comes over you when you cry in the arms of a friend, the kind of comfort you remember from your childhood as your mother carried you asleep, the comfort of home, the comfort of knowing...

I finally upgraded to OS X! And I am loving it. Right now I am writing my blog entry using the new blogger feature in spotlight! How nifty! Life is going okay right now. The past couple of weeks have been very rough emotinally. Lots of
stress and worrying. All of this worrying really did me no good and wore me down. I have been sick twice in less than two weeks and am finally getting over my cold and am trying to have a diffrent outlook. In reality I cannot control other people. No matter how much I try I must realize that who you want will see you in their own time and on their own terms. So all i can do is hope and wish for the best. I can keep my head high, put my best foot forward and be who I am. There is no harm in being patient. Good things come to those who wait. Maybe my patience will be seen and maybe appriciated. But stressing out about it and obsessing is not the answer. On another note I have been quite out of service since last time i blogged. As I said above I was pretty stressed out

Wow its been a lont time since I made my last entry. Cant say that I have been doing much. The start of this semester has been quite rocky. After working very hard in the fall I am feeling very unmotivated to succeed. The past couple of weeks have been more of a battle to get myself to work and to get adjusted to my workload. In the spirit of the new year in order to reach our goals we must push ourselves even when we feel at the core like our work is no longer worth the effort. When we feel this we must use our minds to overpower our emotions, and desires to quit. In my first weeks here at school I have felt as if I should not be here. I felt like this semester was going to be a waste of time as I slipped on my work and saw difficulty in getting my classes together. But once I set up structure, developed a routine, and spent some time getting myself in the right mindset I am finding it more and more easy to overpower those emotions to not make the grade. In reality this semster poses a new challenge. For the past year I have had ultimate freedom to do what I want. Being at school means giving up some of this freedom. I must realize that this is a choice of my own. Eventhough I may feel as if I am being held in bondage by my school, courses, community, etc I must see that this is all for a greater good. That in the long run being here ensures my freedom in the future. The harder I buckle down and work the freer my future will be. I will be able to make my own decisions on what I want to do with my life. Life will not make decisions for me I will make the decisions for my life. So this is my semester of choice. I will succeed because I have chosen to. My success will lead me to more places; grant me more freedom, and a flourishing two more years of college. This is my choice to do more for myself.

Wow after having a mostly boring break the last couple of days have been quite action packed. I spent a lot of the past weeks wishing I could go back to school. To see my friends and this week I finally realized the friends I have here at home and that I can have both at home and back at school. School has its benefits but being at home is all the blues. Even though I may get annoyed by my family etc, It is still nice to be able to go to the mall, switch it up with the people I hang out with, or do something entirely different. Hey did I mention that there is no homework too. But I admit I love school and learning too. This week was a great week for learning lessons. I saw the ways in which I will miss home. I discovered the benefits of school-mandated breaks even when I don’t think I need them. I feel more focused and ready to head into the semester very strong. With me having two days left before school I am going to get my things together. Have some fun. It was suggested that I take my sister skating, or to see a movie or hang out. I plan to do that tomorrow. Enjoy myself and prepare for the great semester ahead of me. See you back at school!

Well since it is officially the New Years and the holidays are over, I thought for sure that things will be open. I waited for the mail to come so I can send off an important letter and a bill that needed to be taken care of. Of course as most things have been in the couple of weeks it was not business as usual. Things like calling my school, or asking questions from the prospective schools that I wanted to transfer to would be difficult especially if these things were not to be open. Looks like the semester will be in full swing as soon as school starts again so it is important that I do my essays for at least two of the schools I want to transfer to. The funny thing is I am procrastinating where no procrastinating is needed. Hopefully tonight I will get some work done on them. These questions just need to be answered with a clear mind and truthfully. When you can simply ask a question with little thought or distraction you can sometimes find the real answer. The best way to answer life long questions (something that college ask you to see how focused your really are) is to have a clear and focused mine. A mind that is free of societal woes and expectations. Don’t let outside pressures effect your decisions. Think about you and yourself. What do you want! What do they want and combine the two. Ask questions of them what feels right for them and what feels right for you. Answer clearly and precisely from your heart!