Listening to her music was chilling. Uncomfortable to venture out of my blanket of security. Music is personal. Each song of my library steeped in a memory. A love affair, experience, trip, a life changing moment. Her music is steeped with such meanings they must mean something to her Hearing the words seeming to give me a larger glimpse into her soul. As I figure out bit by bit who she is, this is the largest portion. I know as the music flows through my headphones that I may very well dream of her again a thought unsettling yet soothing at the same time for I know it will be a great sleep. I will smile. Laughs and giggles will fill the room and a smile will be painted upon my sleeping face. All will lead to me waking to the light coming over the hills. The thought as I awake will come "has she called, texted, sent an email, left a voice mail.... its past 10 on the east coast maybe something is awaiting you on that phone of yours a 'missed call' her name under unread messages" I will be crushed spending the few minutes before the bundles of joy that keep me so occupied all day awake getting my morale up. The kids who are my job keep my mind off of her. keep me from thinking of the 3,500 miles that separate us. The unspoken words and the things we have not done. The places I want to go with her. The things I want to show her. The true self I want to expose to her unfiltered by cell towers or the hum of my computers hard drive. She comes to me in thoughts throughout my day as I drive down the freeway but it gets bad when I am sitting in traffic. But I write this listening to her music. Enjoying it. Hearing the words. Scared to like it but I do. Similar to my fear of further loving her, only to wake up to nothing maybe next morning.

This morning I woke up to nothing new. Since I am on the west coast three hours behind most people I know sometimes I awake to a great text message, or a voice mail. But nothing. Just an emails saying what bills are due etc. The thought of it disappoints me. Why isnt there any forward motion in my life right now. I can only dream of such motion. Part of it has to do with me just having faith. Faith that things will change. Most of it isnt even about change, but just knowing. I know what the truth is if I look deep enough within myself. I know what is needed and I must wait for that moment to come which it will in due time. I need to look at my other post in which i say I need to be patient and wait for it. Wait for that kiss i guess. Ive got to just go on with life knowing that every step forward is part of me achieving that greater thing. The important part is not to expect things from your day and yourself but to simply have things happen based on your actions which if they are of kindness and love should be good.

Last night I had a dream. It was of a kiss. There is the approach in which you dont assume you are really going to kiss them your mind is going "are you going to kiss" You catch details like a glimmer of light in her eyes. My lips just gracefully touched hers, followed by her acknowledgment of keeping her lips on mine. As we kissed I felt released. Her kiss affirmation of the love I have been seeking for so many months. A sigh of relief came over me the kiss perfect. It was liberating. The kiss the least bit sexual but heart relieving, stress freeing, and conforming. The kind of comfort that comes over you when you cry in the arms of a friend, the kind of comfort you remember from your childhood as your mother carried you asleep, the comfort of home, the comfort of knowing...